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Tattenhall FC Triumph After 272 Days

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Forget Sanchez' late winner or Mahrez' missed penalty. Charlie Cooke fills us in on action from The Flacca where hyperbole and real football reign:

"Since Tattenhall FC's last win, sugar rationing has ceased to be, colour television has been invented and man has walked on the moon. Whilst this might not be strictly true, it had been a painful 272 days since they last tasted victory, until today. And boy did it taste sweet.

But it has been coming. There has been a sense of togetherness and hope which has run through the team this season, and whilst results have not been coming, their performances have been improving gradually. Last week's draw against Dee Rangers of Hoole had seen Tattenhall move off the bottom of the table replaced by fierce rivals Waverton, and they approached the game against Upton with renewed vigour. It didn't take long for this vigour to be dashed as Upton took an early lead. But to paraphrase Chumbawamba, Tattenhall got knocked down, but they got up again, Upton are never going to keep them down. It took a impudent chip from Ol' Twinkletoes Muteteto restore parity in the game, which remained more frantic than a mother searching for her lost child in Sainsburys on a Saturday. The self proclaimed "Sheriff of the Flacca" blew his whistle to signal the end of the half.

Cue an inspirational half time team talk from the new chief motivator Mr. Luke Thomas. During those fifteen minutes he allowed the team to dream. The players returned to the field as pumped up as the volume on Spinal Tap's amp, and soon after the restart Mutete waltzed his way through the defence, and sauntered past the hapless keeper to wallop the ball into an empty net. The crowd went wild. The arena was bouncing still as Mutete decided to repeat exactly what he had done in the previous sentence, 3-1.

Peter Harper has a habit of giving away penalties, and with 20 minutes to go, that is exactly what happened. However, Peter Harper has another talent which more than makes up for the weekly penalty gifts. This talent makes it nigh on impossible for any opposition attacker to do anything they want to do. Harper stubbornly refuses to allow the ball and/or man past him. Every dribble, cross, pass and shot is stopped. It was truly marvellous. (Upton Scored the penalty)

It was now 3-2 and the groundsman better hope that nails are good for the soil because they were being chewed at an alarming rate of knots. But up steps the conductor of this beautiful orchestra, Matthew Spann. Aware that the tension is growing all around, he calmly received the ball on the edge of the box, shuffled it onto his right foot and bent a sumptuous shot beyond the keeper's outstretched fingertip and into the top corner. There are no words left to describe the beautiful conglomeration of sheer joy and relief that coursed through the stands. The score was 4-2 and the game was nearly over. The Sheriff announced that there was one minute remaining, the longest minute that ever there was. Upton scored once more but the time was up, and Tattenhall triumphed at last. It was worth the wait."