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AFC Tattenhall Match Report

30th April 2021 @ 6:06am – by Charlie Cooke
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AFC Tattenhall vs Waverton Sunday, 25 April

Strip your Beds, We've got a Clean Sheet!

As we delve back into the chronicles of time to see which historical event AFC Tattenhall finds itself intertwined with last Sunday, we have a bounty of references that could be used for this latest episode at Fortress Flacca.

Let us reflect on another performance worthy of comparison to history's greatest triumphs. From the creation of the Suez Canal in 1859 to the first execution by guillotine in 1792, from the birth of Oliver Cromwell to the death of Pope Benedict the XII, April 25th is a date from which we can extract many similarities to this current crop of history makers.

But it is the composition of the French National Anthem, "La Marseillaise", on this day in 1792, in which we draw the most powerful comparisons to events that unfolded in Tattenhall at the weekend.

Arise, children of the Fatherland,
The day of glory has arrived!
Against us, tyranny's
Bloody standard is raised.

Swap Fatherland for Tattenhall, and we find ourselves between 7am – 10am on Sunday morning. The team awoke, rubbed the sleep from their eyes and stared into the mirror. Each individual looked deep within their souls and told themselves that the day of glory had arrived. This was it.

Do you hear, in the countryside,
The roar of those ferocious soldiers?
They're coming right into our arms
To cut the throats of our sons, our women!

The shouts from those soldiers from Waverton were audible as they zoomed over the canal, through Hargrave, past the tip; the Ice Cream Farm was a mere blur as the Waverton boys entered the village. Now, I will interrupt this part of the story to say that we don't think that they were coming to cut the throats of our families; we will reserve judgement for now. But they were coming alright, and we were ready.

To arms, citizens,
Form your battalions,
Let's march,

And that is precisely what they did. Waverton kicked off and was immediately on the back foot as the Tattenhall army marched forth and pounced on every loose ball. After some nifty work by Withe on the right, the ball floated into the box. Waverton's goaltender watched it roll across him like a confused sloth straight into Evan's path, to which he needed no second invitation, and kicked the ball into the relatively empty net.

The Wilson-Withe dynamic was thriving down the wing, as young Wilson released Withe, who sauntered down the flank like goal-hungry Gallic rooster before unleashing an unstoppable pile driver into the roof of the net.

2-0

The game was now threatening to turn into a wrestling match. As Waverton felt victory slipping through its fingers, it resorted to a bit of argy-bargy as Tattenhall confidently played the ball around them. A few effs and jeffs later, and the referee began bandying cautions about like a promiscuous policeman.

The second half continued in a similar vein. Wetherby had the crowd swooning in reaction to another of his titillating runs from the back. Richardson and McGowan's control of the midfield elicited similar reactions from the hordes of spectators on the touchline, causing one onlooker to describe their relationship the most creative and formidable since John and Yoko. Two defensive howlers from Waverton meant that Withe was able to nip in and punish them to complete his hat trick. And boy did he deserve it! We thought we had run out of superlatives to describe this man, but this was the most destructive right-wing performance since Katie Hopkins was banned from twitter.

On came veteran Damon Smith, who took the game by the scruff of the neck immediately. Despite being brought on at centre half, he pulled rank and found space up the left wing. Into the box he drove with relentless guile before he was upended spectacularly, and the referee had no choice but to point to the penalty spot. Ol' Twinkletoes Mutete instinctively picked the ball up, whilst player manager Noden began sniffing around too. But all Smith needed to do was to give them one of his stares. They backed away nervously as Smith approached the penalty spot.

Hands on hips, a puff of the chest, and Damon was ready to make history; he wanted to become the oldest goal scorer in Sunday league history. But then he looked up, saw the pain etched over the goalie's face, and with the sympathy usually reserved for an ill pet, he tamely kicked it straight into his arms. Damon's time will come again, and he knows he must not show any feelings towards anything or anyone if he is to break this record.

Let's march!
Let an impure blood
Water our furrows!

And so the game finished 4-0 to Tattenhall, and the impure Waverton blood shall make the groundsman's job slightly easier, and ensure the grass continues to grow greener than ever. Incredible things can happen if you're part of a team that works for each other and believes in itself. Next time you look in the mirror, stare deep within your soul and tell yourself that your day of glory has arrived.

Whilst La Marseillaise may seem like a bloodthirsty anthem, it is an emotive call to arms; it's about being a citizen, a song for the people. We have seen some rather unsavoury aspects of football this week, but Tattenhall wanted to bring it all back to earth, with a display of liberté, égalité, and fraternité. They dedicate this victory to you.

Next Fixture: Tuesday 4th May, 6:15: AFC Tattenhall vs Travellers Rest (away).

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